Parshat Pekudei 5779: Bearing Witness

Around this time last year, my grandma Dorothy was in her final days. She was 98 and a half years old, at peace with the world and her life, and ready to go. And yet, as is often the case with someone who has spent so long in their body, it was incredibly hard for her to let go. She lived in between worlds for weeks, without food and then without water. Simply existing neither here nor there.

There are moments in your life where you just know you need to go. Get on a plane. Be somewhere. This was one of those moments. I booked a ticket and in merely 14 hours I had left the bright, warm springtime Jerusalem air and entered the middle of Minnesota winter, in my grandma’s apartment, holding her hand. Once I had arrived, and my brain settled, the question occurred to me for the first time: what was I there to do? Sing to her, yes. Pray with her, sure. But in truth my job was much simpler than that, it was just to bear witness. To honor her life with my presence, attention and love.

This week, the Mishkan is complete and the Israelites are ready to set out on their journeys with the presence of G!d surrounding them by a cloud in the day and fire at night. The Mishkan is called by a new name this week, מִשְׁכַּ֣ן הָעֵדֻ֔ת, the Mishkan of Witness.

The Sfat Emet asks and answers the question, “Why did the Israelites need a witness?”  He explains that, after the Golden Calf, the Israelites did not believe they were worthy to be close to G!d. They had fallen so low in their own eyes that it just wasn’t fathomable that they could have a real relationship with the Divine. Perhaps you have experienced this, when you feel like crap for one reason or another and someone says, “You’re awesome!” And all you can say inside is, “Yeah, yeah.” That’s how the Israelites must have felt, after having fallen so immensely and disappointing G!d and Moshe, and now building this beautiful Mishkan so that they could have a daily relationship with G!d. I can almost hear them saying sarcastically, “Yeah, yeah. Sure. I get to have a relationship with G!d.”

What they needed in this fallen state more than anything was a witness. Something bigger that can testify to their goodness, and yet not as big as G!d. Something tangible that can hold a bigger, wider perspective about who they were as full human beings, beyond the moment of the Calf. In some ways, the Mishkan took on the role of therapist, reminding them, as the Sfat Emet explains, “not to fall too low in [your] own eyes, for by teshuva we really are restored to what we were before.”

So, over 5 days, I bore witness to my grandmother’s leaving this world. It was a gift, an honor, and I do believe that the witnessing helped her let go.

I went back to Jerusalem feeling complete and broken at the same time. I needed a ritual to mark what had just happened. Even as an almost-Rabbi I often forget what rituals are out there to mark transitions. Oh right, I thought, Mikvah.

I asked my married friend if she would accompany to the Mikvah. For those of you who don’t know, we are very lucky here in Boston to have Mayyim Hayyim. Most Mikva’ot grill you to make sure you are married (because G!d forbid you should use the Mikvah for a different purpose). My friend agreed to protect me, and I apologized in advance to myself and Hashem for lying. We walked in, saw the Mikvah lady, and, as predicted, heard the words, “אתן נשואות?”/ “Are you two married?”

My friend, bless her heart, responded in the most suspicious way possible: “No, no. Not to each other!” I sighed. “כן אני נשואה” “Yes, I am married.” The Mikvah lady looked at me with harsh suspicion. In an effort to protect me from the mikvah lady and be my shomeret for the immersion, my wonderful friend continued to make matters worse, “Can we go into the mikvah together?” This time the mikvah lady’s eyes got huge. “ביחד במים!?”/ “Together?! In the water!?” “No, no, as my shomeret,” I explained. With a watchful eye, she did let us go into the Mikvah room together. Needless to say, it wasn’t the most relaxing welcome, and my kavannah was only half there. But, as I let myself be completely immersed by the living waters, I heard a voice say something simple and clear, “כשר,” suitable, fitting, worthy. With the waters and my friend bearing witness, I was able to let go of all that had been until that moment, and able to move forward in my wanderings in this world.

May we be blessed with many witnesses, human and otherwise, to remind us of who we are. To remind us that we are good. To remind us that as human beings we deserve connection, no matter how we may have messed up. May we carry these witnesses with us as we wander.

Shabbat Shalom.

Parshat Re'eh 5779: Trust and Tarot

About ten years ago, I was jobless and broke in New York City. I had just been fired from a receptionist job at a very fancy financial management company for reasons unknown. Perhaps it had to do with the fact that out of my boredom, I brought bags and bags of art supplies with me to work and made art behind the desk, but we will never, ever know for sure.

One weekday morning, I left my coffin-sized bedroom on St. Mark’s street in the East Village to go wandering, smoke some clove cigarettes, and look for some sort of sign of what to do next. I walked past the familiar line up of sex shops, tattoo parlours, and frozen yogurt places and kept going. Should I stay in New York or should I go back to Colorado? Hashem! Tell me what to do. Eventually I passed by a psychic’s storefront “office.” In the window was a table with crystals on it, and some big plastic pink flowers. A blonde woman was sitting in the doorway smoking a cigarette, our eyes met for just barely too long, “Come here,” she said, “There’s something you need to hear.” In my weakness and desperation, I followed her in.

In this week’s Parsha, Re’eh, we read:

לֹ֣א תִשְׁמַ֗ע אֶל־דִּבְרֵי֙ הַנָּבִ֣יא הַה֔וּא א֛וֹ אֶל־חוֹלֵ֥ם

הַחֲל֖וֹם הַה֑וּא כִּ֣י מְנַסֶּ֞ה יְהוָ֤ה אֱלֹֽהֵיכֶם֙ אֶתְכֶ֔ם

לָדַ֗עַת הֲיִשְׁכֶ֤ם אֹֽהֲבִים֙ אֶת־יְהוָ֣ה אֱלֹהֵיכֶ֔ם

בְּכָל־לְבַבְכֶ֖ם

וּבְכָל־נַפְשְׁכֶֽם׃

'“Do not heed the words of that prophet or that dream-diviner. For Hashem your God is testing you to see whether you really love Hashem your God with all your heart and soul.”

There is so much going on in this pasuk. First of all we have the prophet, who is simply called a “prophet” neither falseness nor truth attached to the title. The rabbis of the Sifra debate about whether he was a false prophet or not. Rebbe Yossi says that of course this verse is talking about a false prophet! Rebbe Akiva says something more nuanced, perhaps this pasuk is talking about a prophet who started out true (since it says that their signs and wonders come to pass!) and when they start persuading people off the derech, that’s when the prophet has strayed of their own derech, asking people to come along with them.

And then we have the “test.” Why does God need to test our love like some jealous partner? Shouldn’t the One who knows all our innermost thoughts and feelings not need to depend on a test? Rambam breaks it down for us. It’s not that God needs us to prove our love for God’s sake, but this proving is actually for our own--and the world’s--sake. He explains that the pasuk is saying something like this, “Know that God intends to prove to the nations how firmly you believe in the truth of God’s word, and how well you have comprehended the true essence of God that you cannot be misled by any tempter to corrupt your faith in God. Your religion will then afford a guidance to all who seek the truth, and of all religions, people will choose that which is so firmly established that it is not shaken by the performance of a miracle.”

It all boils down to Emunah. It seems that the true reason why we are dissuaded from prophets, dream diviners and the like isn’t about the truth or falsehood of their messages. It’s about the message we are sending to ourselves, the world, and God when we seek them out and follow in their ways. It’s a message of distrust--in ourselves and our own minds, in the world and things happening as they should, and ultimately in God. It’s no wonder that the word emunah shares a root with le’hit’amen--to practice. Our emunah muscle gets built up over many years--it’s not a one time thing.

Back in the psychic’s storefront office, I sat down in the uncomfortable plastic chair and got ready to receive my “sign” from above. The psychic told me many things.  She told me about my soulmate (who was to a be blond and blue eyed man) and how long I would live. She then closed her eyes and thought for a few seconds, took a deep breath, and said very thoughtfully, “I’m getting a sign...that you are struggling financially. It seems that maybe...you are unemployed.” I immediately snapped out of my receptive state. “Are you kidding me?” I said, “It’s 11am on a Tuesday. Of course I’m unemployed.” I got up, handed her the $20, and left, annoyed with myself that I wasted my time and money, and still with no answers about the future.

To be totally honest, this was not my first encounter with a psychic--I had a palm reader and a numerologist at my Bat Mitzvah party,  and to this day I feel tempted by the occasional tarot or palm reading. Sometimes all we want is for someone to tell us that everything is going to be okay. Or, at least warn us about the bad stuff coming so we can prepare. But, to be a Jew is to live into the mystery, to embrace a God we cannot see who has a plan we cannot know.

May we be blessed with the ability to trust ourselves, the world, and God, and be compassionate with ourselves when we slip, knowing that even in the falsehood there is something to be heard.

Parshat Terumah 5779: Marie Kondo and the Mishkan

This week I’ve been plagued by the nagging question (and perhaps you have, too): what would Marie Kondo think of the Mishkan?

For those of you who haven’t gotten hooked on either the book or new Netflix series, Marie Kondo believes in the “magical art of tidying up.” On the show, she encourages people to let go of anything that doesn’t “spark joy” for them. If you’re wondering what that means, you’re not alone. She explains in almost every episode that to spark joy is to feel what you would feel when you hold a puppy---and she often squeals when she is explaining this. People often end up letting go of much of their belongings--but never without a good cry and some somber music playing. Through tidying up, Marie Kondo believes that we honor our lives and our space, and foster a greater sense of holiness in the home.

This week, the Israelites are commanded to build the Mishkan: the heavy and ornate portable home for G!d that they schlepped through the desert for 40 years. It was a dwelling place for G!d, and a meeting point for them together. Even with its power and beauty, I wonder if it sparked joy for them, or if they ever considered leaving it behind.

I recently counted and was shocked to find out that I have lived in not 10, not 15, but 20 different homes since graduating high school. I’m sure I’m not alone with this. But this means that 19 times I have taken that familiar heavy sigh, looked at all of my belongings and said out loud or to myself, “Okay. What’s coming with me?”

What comes with us on our wanderings through this world? What makes the cut? What makes us feel at home in our wanderings?

The Netivot Shalom asks this week, “How is this mitzvah--the mitzvah of building the mishkan eternal?” Meaning, how does it transcend that time and space to reach us now, when we are not wandering through the desert per se but wandering through our lives. He answers his own question beautifully, saying, “Every person is an entire world before G!d--therefore, we are each commended to make a mishkan within us, in our bodies. This is why G!d says in this week’s parsha ‘make for me a Mikdash that I may dwell within them.” The Netivot Shalom draws a beautiful and in retrospect obvious conclusion--what is the one thing that we take with us throughout our time on this earth, albeit changing, evolving, growing. To fulfill the commandment of building the Mishkan we must build a mishkan within our bodies to take with us in our wanderings through the desert of life.

I just wanna pause the Netivot Shalom for a second to take you into my wanderings a couple weeks ago. I was on vacation, and for those of you who don’t know me very well, I don’t do well on vacation. A lack of structure and surplus of wandering time leaves me in my own thoughts in a way that does not exactly feel restful. It became ever apparent to me, as I was in a new and unfamiliar place, just how unknown the future is. Around sundown nearly every day, I felt the familiar creeping feeling arising in my heart. My response felt almost primal, a need for a home, for something familiar. It was as if an ancestor or some spirit guide or who knows what possessed me in that moment, because I knew exactly what to do in a way I never have before, and I started to davven. I took out my phone with my little siddur app and, wherever the primal call seized me, there I was davvening--on a cobblestone sidewalk, by a river, waiting for a train. It occurred to me that--at least in that time--the words offered themselves to me as shelter. A home wherever I am. And I could be a home for them, speaking them through my mouth.

The Netivot Shalom must have known this primal call, or perhaps foresaw someone just like me; a wandering Jew in her last year of Rabbinical School with no idea of what’s to come, and wrote so beautifully just how we are to create this portable mishkan. He explains that it’s through our words, and through communicating our needs and desires and yearnings to G!d, that we build something. A relationship. A home. This relationship, and the words we speak to each other in our relationship, can serve as a home to orient us when we feel that things are being pulled away from us and we have no idea what’s to come. As G!d can be a home for us, we can create a home for G!d within our words, in our bodies, in our mouths.

May we be blessed to build our Mishkan through our words and song, and find grounding in life’s most uncertain moments. And throughout this process of building, may we feel that spark of joy, carrying it with us through our wanderings.

Parshat Bo 5779: Taking Flight

I’m going to be honest with you. Something just doesn’t feel right to me to me about being 35,000 feet in the air, and hurled across the globe in a metal tube. Yes, I am terrified of flying. And yes, I’ve read all the articles and statistics, and I know I’m more likely to die from a meteor crashing into me than on a plane, or more likely to become President of the United States (although I’m doubtful of those calculations). And yet, I just can’t shake the feeling of skepticism about this flying thing being a good idea.

My typical plane ride goes something like this: I get aboard, I fasten my seat belt, I turn my phone off, and as the engine revs up, I’m actually still okay. My muscles are relaxed and I have a brief feeling of “It’s all good. Whatever happens, happens.” I say Tefilat haDerech, close my eyes, and then...when the inevitable bumps begin as we are reaching cruising altitude, my jaw starts to stiffen as if the tension between my teeth is the *only* thing keeping the plane afloat. As the bumps subside and we arrive at the Almighty cruising altitude, I even have one of those majestic feeling moments, a moment of “wow, look at our planet. It’s gorgeous.” And, even though I’ve heard it a million times, when the seat belt sign goes on or off, the little ding makes my muscles stiffen again. Maybe if there’s an emergency they would let us know by a tiny ding sound...I don’t know!? It’s essentially the same rhythm until we land, moments of awe and relaxation sandwiched between moments of panic, and when we reach the ground I can breathe again.

There was one plane ride several years ago, though, that was a little different. I was on my way to Florida, and we just happened to be flying in a thunderstorm. As we were landing I don’t think I was the only one who was scared. Even the not normally afraid were gasping as the plane was shaking and bouncing up and down in the stormy night, lightning flashing from outside the window. All of my muscles tensed up, and noticed that I was hardly breathing. I really thought this might be “it.” I peered through my panicked stated to look at the person next to me, a middle aged lady who was ready for Florida. Her big blonde hair freshly done, bedecked in jewelry, reading a magazine. She didn’t seem scared. “Excuse me,” I said, “I know this is weird. But I am really scared. Can I hold your hand?” My fear must have overtaken the part of my brain that is self-conscious, and in that moment I truly felt that if I were to die, I’d rather die connected to another human being. Or at least die trying.

In this week’s Parsha, Bo, the Israelites are in a similarly terrifying and liminal space. The last three of ten plagues are befalling Egypt, and, after the final plague, Pharaoh tells them to, bluntly, get the hell out. In their leaving, G!d gives them the first ever Mizvot--make a calendar, make an offering, put the blood on your doorposts, celebrate passover for generations to come, consecrate the firstborn, wear tefillin on your body to remind you of G!d.

Mizvah is often translated as a “good deed” or something we’re “obligated to do or perform.” But, the word mitzvah is closely related to the Aramaic word tzavta, which means to attach or join--to create a connection. Mizvot are intended to create attachments and connections to G!d, to ourselves, and to our community. As the Israelites leave 400 years of slavery, they are coming into a completely new identity, a new life, an unknown that we can hardly envision. Perhaps they felt that they were dying, and in fact, a part of their identity was.

In this state of deep fear of the unknown, a time of really feeling like this could be “it,” G!d gives them exactly what they need--connections. A way to ground themselves in time and space, actions to get them out of their heads and into their bodies.

Back on the plane, I awaited what my seatmate might think of my bizarre request. In the seconds after I asked my question, the self-conscious part of my brain started coming back to life. Oy, I thought, she’s gonna think I’m nuts. Much to my surprise, she closed her magazine, opened her hand palm up, shrugged and said “Sure!” I took her hand, with her beautiful long and colorful nails, in mine. And there we tumbled through the sky, bizarrely and yet perfectly connected one to the another. My heart settled, my jaw released, even as the landing continued to be terrifying.

May we be blessed with performing mizvot, actions and rituals that connect us in all times, and specifically in times where we fear the unknown. And, may we be blessed to see the connections that are available to us, perhaps just a seat away, and let go of whatever is in the way of us reaching out. Shabbat Shalom.

Parshat Toledot 5779: Interdependence and Healing

If anyone has ever been to the shuk (open marketplace) in Jerusalem, you know that yelling is a part of the ambiance. “Bannanot bannanot!” “Hallo Hallo!” and the like can be heard throughout the winding alleyways chock full of colors, smells, and people from all over the world. But, when I heard yelling in the shuk on Shabbat, when the shuk is closed for business, I was quite befuddled.

I had been invited to a free “games and beer” event on a shabbat afternoon not long after arriving to Jerusalem, and I was so excited to see Jerusalemites from all across the religious spectrum coming together and enjoying true oneg shabbat. As I was walking up the hill to the shuk, I heard the shouting. But, it wasn’t the “Bannanot bannanot!” that I was used to. In my naivete I thought, “Oh! When they said games they must have also meant some sort of competitive games. People are cheering!” As I approached the event, I saw that it was overflowing with Hasidim. “Wow! Even the hasidim came out to play! How cool!” I thought. It wasn’t until I was smushed in the center of the crowd that I understood what was happening. To my left were secular Jews, conservative Jews, reform Jews, unaffiliated Jews, and even orthodox (non-Hasidic) Jews, sipping their beer with amusement and confusion as some stared at the hasidim, laughing and mocking them, and others tried to ignore them. To my right were the Hasidim, in their beautiful golden shabbos robes and fur shtreimels, yelling with all their heart and might, “SHABBOS! SHABBOS!”

Never have I seen with my own eyes, or heard with my own ears, a more drastic divide among Jews.

The truth is, there have been many divides like this in our tradition, starting all the way back with Jacob and Esau as we see in this week’s parsha. Their struggle began even before they entered the world, as we read  “The children struggled in her [Rivka’s] womb.” Once in the world, the tension between Jacob (dweller in tents) and Esau (man of the field) is constantly apparent. Their relationship quickly devolves into trickery and lies, and the trust between them (if there was any to start) becomes nonexistent. Esau gets tricked away from his blessing from Isaac, and he cries a bitter cry. A cry that some say lasted way beyond the moment of deception, but resonated throughout history and perhaps even continues to this very day.

What is it about Esau that made Jacob, Rivka, and later the rabbis so uncomfortable? From the basic meaning of the text, he seems like a good guy, loyal and loving of his father. Perhaps it was his appearance, red and firey, or his taste for meat and hunting. Perhaps in an effort to resolve the cognitive dissonance of our forefather Jacob treating someone so poorly, the rabbis depict Esau as an evil person, deserving of punishment. My personal take: Esau was a good guy that was gravely misunderstood.

Whether we believe that Esau was a good but misunderstood guy, or actually evil, we see some real family dysfunction in this parsha. We might be familiar with this in our own families or communities. In many cases, people have wronged us and do deserve to be out of our lives. In other cases, we push people away because they are hard to deal with, or don’t fit into our lives, or we don’t want to put in the effort to understand them.

In our larger Jewish family, we fall into this familial dysfunction regularly. Perhaps you’ve had the thought, “everyone less religious than me isn’t doing it right, and everyone more religious than me is crazy!” We push each other out for being not religious enough/too religious/not sharing our political beliefs.

In the wake of antisemitism and white supremacy, we need each other more than ever.

Back in the Shuk, most of the Hasidim had left. It turned out that they thought the shuk had been open for business on Shabbat, and that we were desecrating Shabbat in their neighborhood. Once the misunderstanding was cleared, they went home. A group of us gathered to sing Yedid Nefesh, as the sun was already beginning to set and Shabbat was coming to an end. Mid-verse, I looked up and saw that there was one Hasid left. He was facing the wall, his hands over his ears, continuing to quietly yell “Shabbos” to himself. Though it was directed towards me and my community, it somehow touched me deeply, and pierced through my (rightful) anger. The message was simple: he loved shabbos. He wanted other people to love it too. In that way, we are connected.

Two weeks ago, our community suffered a devastating loss at the hands of white supremacy and anti-semitism. And, we need each other.

At the end of the vigil the Sunday after the attack in Pittsburgh, it was announced that the programming was over, and we could go home. A friend and I started walking back towards the T station with our heads sunk, having heard many inspiring words that opened our hearts that day, and ready to spend the rest of the day in solemn mourning. Behind us, I heard a song. Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael (I’ll sing this), I turned around and saw about ten people--a minyan-- with their arms around each other in a circle singing the words that mean “our siblings, the whole house of Israel.” My friend and I walked over, as if pulled by a magnetic force. Standing to the side, I witnessed with pure awe as the circle grew in seconds from 10, to 20, to 50, to hundreds of people, arms connected one to the other, singing together as if one voice Acheinu Kol Beit Yisrael...

May we remember our connection to--and our dependence on--one another, as we fight for our collective liberation. Shabbat Shalom.

Parshat Vayera 5779: Make for/of Yourself a Teacher

During my first week in Jerusalem last year, feeling tight from the 15 hour plane ride, I decided to set out on a mission to find a yoga studio. Not knowing exactly where to start I turned on my phone, opened my google maps and simply typed in “yoga” in English into the search area. Completely to my delight and surprise, there lay a place on the map only one block from my house called “Flow Power Yoga Studio.” The next morning, I set out to see what the place was like. I approached the spot on the map, which didn’t look like a yoga studio at all, but a run-down white building with a big fence around it.

The gate was open, and I walked in. “Shalom?” I called, as I wandered around the outside of the building, looking through the open doors to empty rooms with various knickknacks and supplies of all kinds--but nothing that would indicate “Flow Power Yoga Studio.”

I called again, “hello?” This time, I heard a voice. “Ken? Yes?” Out from one of the rooms came a big Israeli guy with a friendly face. In my broken Hebrew I hadn’t used in ten years I asked, “Shalom...ze studio shel yoga?” The man’s face morphed to match my confusion, and he motioned for me to follow him. Our conversation switched to English as we walked towards what seemed like an office,“There is a yoga teacher here, yes...I don’t know if she is teaching now. You do yoga?” “Yes, well I actually used to teach yoga. But I just want to take some classes now.” As we approached the office I asked, “What...is this place?” “Community Center,” he said. “And...who runs it?” I asked. “I do!” He said emphatically. He then handed me a small piece of paper and a pen and said “I will email you, what is your email?” I wrote down my email for him, and we parted ways. I left just as confused as I had arrived.

Days later, I got an email:

“Hi. How are you. Do you want to come to the club and talk of your position as yoga teacher that maybe will be good for club. If it is ok with you. Please connect with me. Thanks, Yoav.”

I never ended up meeting with Yoav, nor did I figure out what Flow Power Yoga was, or if it existed, but I learned something. I finally understood the ambiguity of the famous line in Pirkei Avot “Aseh lecha Rav” “Make yourself, or for yourself, a teacher.” Is the text asking us to make ourselves a teacher, or make a teacher for ourselves? I think the ambiguity is intentional. There are times we need to make ourselves a Rav, to stand in our power and confidence as leaders and teachers. And, there are other times we need to make someone else a Rav, humbling ourselves before another’s brilliance and leadership.

In my new role here as intern at Nehar, the place that I’ve been lucky enough to call my home shul for the past 4 years, I am excited to live out this line from Pirkei Avot--being both a leader and teacher, and humbling myself before the wisdom of this community. I am excited to stand here and lead prayer some Friday nights and shabbos mornings, and to sing together. I’m excited to bring what I’m learning as a Svara Queer Talmud Teaching Fellow to Nehar Shalom through a “Traditionally Radical” Beit Midrash that is in the works, where we will be eachothers teacher through hevruta study, finding our place within the text. And I’m excited to lead mid-week Kabbalat Shabbat workshops to help people feel empowered to lead and facilitate (what I believe to be) the healing power of Shabbos. And, with that vision as strong as it is, the truth is that you all are my teachers, and I can’t wait to keep learning from you.

There is another way that I feel called to humble myself right now--and that’s regarding the horrific and inhumane statements that our current administration has unleashed this week against the Transgender community. Sarah Warbelow, the legal director of the Human Rights Campaign, was quoted in the NYTimes saying, “Transgender people are frightened, at every step where the administration has had the choice, they’ve opted to turn their back on transgender people.”

As a cis-gendered person I offer myself as an ally, lovingly bearing witness to the pain that many in our community are experiencing.  Holding this teaching “Aseh lecha Rav/make for yourself a teacher” tightly, I am making you my teachers, eagerly ready to follow your lead and walk by your side as we fight. I am ready to protect you fiercely, to vote, to work hard.  I do believe that together, making rabbaim (rabbis) out of eachother and truly listening and learning, we can protect each other and work towards a day that is “yom shekulo tov”--a time that is completely good, where the world reflects our goodness, and we can see the goodness in the world.

Shabbat Shalom.